Friendly people are excited to meet new people, appear approachable to friends and acquaintances, and are the kind of people who can just start chatting up a person on an airplane, in line at the drug store, or when they're stuck on the bus. Sound hard? It doesn't have to be. Being friendly is all about making people feel comfortable in your orbit -- like you actually like talking to them. So how do you pull it off?
Part 1 of 3: Being Approachable
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1
Smile more. You don't have to give every person you see a huge grin to be more friendly. However, making a goal to smile at least 30% more on a daily basis, whether you're smiling at people you know, complete strangers, or acquaintances who cross your path, will make you look like a much more approachable, friendly person. Remember when you passed that guy you met that one time and he looked in the other direction and pretended you didn't exist? How did that make you feel? If you want people to feel good about talking to you, then you should smile more at them.
You can also make a goal of smiling more during the course of a conversation.
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2
Have open body language. If you want people to feel like you're approachable and open to talking to them, then you have to master open body language. Here are the things that you can do to make people want to talk to you more:
Keep your legs together instead of crossed
Have good posture instead of slouching
Keep your arms at your sides instead of crossing them
Lean forward toward other people
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3
Drop the distractions. Another way to be friendlier is to notice everything that's going on around you instead of trying to beat the new level of Candy Crush on your iPhone. If you're tapping away at your phone, burying your nose in a book, staring at your computer, or even just picking at the paint on your fingernails, then people will think you have better things to do than to talk to them. Instead, look ahead, smile, and be ready for what the world has to offer you. You'll be surprised by how many more people think you're friendly and how quickly they come your way.
Tapping away at your cell phone is rude especially when you're actively engaging in conversation with people.
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4
Make eye contact. This is something you should work on whether you're just saying hi to a person who is walking by or talking to someone face-to-face. You don't have to stare into a person's eyes 100% of the time to be friendly, but you should work on making as much eye contact as possible with people you're talking to so that they feel like you care about them and that they're actually worth your time.
If you're walking down a hallway and it's just you and another person, why not look that person in the eyes and say hello instead of staring at the floor or pretending to be fascinated by your own fingernails?
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5
Laugh easily. The ability to laugh easily is another trait of the friendly person. You don't have to laugh at everything a person says or you may sound fake, but you should make an effort to laugh about 20% more, especially when people are trying to be funny, say something kind of funny, or just when you feel people need a boost of support and confidence. Laughing more will not only give your conversations more of a positive vibe, but the people around you -- even the people who are just walking by -- will see you as a more friendly person.
Laughing and smiling more? Now that's a potent combo.
Part 2 of 3: Mastering Friendly Conversation
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1
Master small talk. Knowing how to make small talk will go a long way in making you more friendly. Maybe you have a hard time making small talk because you're too busy, distracted, or just shy. But it's not as hard as it sounds. All you have to do is make the person feel comfortable, find some common ground, and reveal a little bit about yourself. If you get more comfortable, then you can start digging deeper and discuss more personal issues.
Some people think that small talk is completely superficial, but it's not. All good friendships and relationships start out with a bit of small talk. You can't just jump in and talk to a new person about the meaning of life, can you?
You can even make small talk with your check out person just to be nice. Make a comment about the weather, say something about the addicting tasty guacamole you're buying, or compliment that person's jewelry. It'll make you feel more positive and it'll make your day go by faster.
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2
Ask people questions about themselves. If you want to be friendly, then you have to show a real interest in people. They have to see that you really care about who they are, what they think, and what they do. If you want to be friendly, then you have to ask people a variety of simple questions that show them you care. You shouldn't ask anything too personal or they might get offended, though; stick to some of the same topics first and move on from there once you know them better. Here are some great topics to try:[1]
Pets
Favorite sports teams
Favorite hobbies
Favorite bands, books, or movies
Siblings
Weekend trips
School or work
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3
Compliment others. Complimenting people -- when you mean it -- will make you seem and feel like a much more friendly person. Just a small compliment given at the right time will make people think, "He's really nice!" and will make them feel more comfortable and happy to be in your presence. You don't have to compliment anything too serious, especially at first, and you can just say something nice about the person's jewelry, outfit, haircut, or even say that the person has a great sense of humor.
When you're talking to someone, ask yourself, what's one awesome quality this person has that I would like to compliment? You should come up with one pretty quickly.
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4
Use people's names when you talk to them. This is a simple yet effective trick to making people like you more and to seem more friendly. If you use people's names, you show them that you care about them and that you can really distinguish them as individuals. You don't have to overdo it to get the point across. Just saying, "Hi, Ellen!" when you greet the person, or saying, "You're completely right about that, Ashley," in the course of a conversation will make you seem like a friendlier person.
If a person you've just met tells you her name, using it once or twice throughout your conversation will make you remember it for next time.
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5
Know when you're giving people the cold shoulder. Some people are unfriendly without even realizing it. If someone has given you a big "Hi!" and is approaching you while slowing down, this is because that person wants to talk to you; if you just say "hey," and keep walking, then you'll look rude. You may think that you're just giving off a neutral or a busy vibe, but that may often come off as unfriendly.
If you don't hold doors for people, smile at them when they smile at you, and avoid looking in the direction of people you don't know even if they're standing right next to you, then you'll be looking rude without even knowing it.
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6
Focus on the positive topics. When you are talking to people, try to stick to the uplifting stuff. Instead of complaining about work or school, talking about something bad that happened to you, or just generally being negative, you should mention something awesome that happened to you that week, something you're looking forward to, or even something funny you saw on TV. Talking about more positive topics will make you seem more friendly in everyday conversation because you'll look like a fun, upbeat person that other people want to talk to.
You don't have to pretend to be someone else to avoid discussing unpleasant topics throughout the course of a conversation.
Sure, if something terrible happened to you or if you really feel like griping, go for it. But try to say at least three positive things for every one negative thing so you still seem like a positive person.
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7
Open up. Part of being friendly is making yourself a little bit vulnerable and sharing something about yourself with others. You don't have to reveal your deepest, darkest secrets, either. Mentioning something slightly embarrassing, goofy, or just offbeat will have a winning effect on people and will make them think that you don't take yourself too seriously and that you're comfortable talking to other people. Here are some things you can open up about:
Childhood pets
Wacky vacations
The prank you played on your sister
A funny mistake you made
Something you've always wanted to do
Your experience doing something offbeat for the first time
A story about your family
Part 3 of 3: Kicking Up Your Social Game
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1
Make an effort to talk to new people. This is another cornerstone of being more friendly. You may be really shy or you might just think that new people aren't worth your time or that they all have something wrong with them. Well that changes today! Start making conversation with strangers sitting next to you on the plane, people at parties, or friends of friends that you run into. Make sure you read the situation and that the person actually wants to talk to someone new, and then proceed with a big smile on your face.
You don't have to talk to every new person who comes your way, but the more you do it, the more comfortable you'll feel.
Introduce yourself to people you don't know. If you're in a group of friends and a new person who other people know comes on the scene, take the initiative.
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2
Give more invitations. Part of being more friendly means showing that you want to spend more time with other people. How do you do that? You invite them to do stuff. Start small by inviting a group of people to a movie, a free concert, or to grab coffee or ice cream some time, and see how much friendlier you feel after they eagerly accept your invitation. Make a goal of inviting people to do more things with you at least once a week and you'll be living a more friendly life.[2]
Get brave. Invite acquaintances to hang out one on one and turn your acquaintance into a real friendship.
Throw a party. Invite an eclectic crowd of people and have fun introducing them to each other.
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Accept more invitations. Another way to be more friendly is to say yes when people ask you to do stuff. You may be afraid of hanging out with people you don't know that well, you may be too busy, or you may just prefer to hang out with yourself, a bowl of Cherry Garcia ice cream, and Snookums, your pet ferret. But you have to get over all that if you want to be friendly and start accepting people's invitations to go to the movies, dinner, or to a party.[3]
You don't have to say yes to something that sounds completely horrible. But the next time you really want to say no, ask yourself what is behind your impulse. Are you afraid of something new? Socially anxious? Or just feeling lazy? These aren't the greatest reasons to miss out on a good time.
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4
Have a bustling social life. If you want to be more friendly, then you have to spend more time with your friends. Spending more time around other people will make you be a more socially aware and sensitive person who is used to talking to other people. You should try to fill your calendar with parties, social engagements, group hiking, biking, or swimming trips, and other fun friend-filled outings if you want to be more friendly more regularly.[4]
To have a bustling social life, you have to make your social life a priority. Don't let work, school, or other commitments get in your way -- not too much, at least.
It's important to have a busy social life, but you should also remember to save some time for yourself. You'll need to decompress, especially if you're not used to spending so much time around other people.
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5
Practice being friendlier to people you don't like. This may be a tough pill to swallow. You don't have to become BFF with your greatest enemy to work on being more friendly to people in your orbit -- whether it's your uptight math teacher, your crotchety uncle, or that kind-of quiet girl who is on the fringes of your social circle. You'll feel surprised by how good you'll feel about being nicer to someone instead of giving the cold shoulder, and that person may surprise with friendliness in return.
Make a list of five people that you have always treated sort of coldly. Find ways to be nice to each of these people -- if you think they deserve it.
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6
Overcome your insecurities. Part of the reason that you may not be the most friendly person in the world might be because you're lacking confidence and think that people will judge you any time you open your mouth. Ask yourself what lies behind your distrust or coldness to other people and see if it has to do more with what you think of yourself. If that's the case, then work on loving the person who you are, loving what you do, and addressing the flaws that need some work.
Of course, overcoming your insecurities can take years of hard work, but recognizing this as one of the sources of your problem with being friendly can make you be more willing to be nice to others. Remember that they may be just as insecure as you are, maybe more.
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Befriend people of your age and stage. "Age and stage" refers not only to the age of a person, but to the stage of life that person is in. A stage of life could be being a college student, being a young professional, being a middle-aged mother, or being an older person who spends more time alone. Finding people who are around your age and your stage will make you more likely to find time to hang out and will give you more things to talk about.[5]
So, for example, if you're a young mother, join a young mothers group and you'll be on the way to making some amazing new friends.
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Show a genuine interest in people. This is the key to not just looking friendly, but to actually being a friendly person. A real friendly person actually cares about others and wants to make them feel comfortable. A real friendly person is concerned when others are upset and uplifted when others are happy; a real friendly person doesn't talk to people just to look cooler or to have more Facebook friends. If you really want to be friendly, then you have to remember this whenever you talk to people. If you actually care about them -- they will be able to tell.[6]
Of course, you can't possibly take an interest in everyone in your orbit. But the more you try to be nice to people, the more natural it will feel.
Remember that being friendly has nothing to do with being fake. And that it has everything to do with being more approachable, treating people with respect, and giving off a positive energy.
Figure out if your relationship is worth saving. The sad truth is that many relationships have passed their expiration date--if you try to save them, you'll just end up getting hurt. There is no easy trick to answering this question; you'll know in your heart if you're with "the one" or just "the one I've been dating for five years so I might as well stick with it." Here are some red flags to let you know that your relationship may be approaching a dead end:
If one or both of you have a history of being unfaithful to each other, then the damage you have done may be beyond repair.
If you find yourself constantly attracted to other people, or even fantasizing about dating another person, then you may have lost that feeling for your current love interest.
If you suspect your loved one just doesn't make you want to be a better person. If nothing about the relationship makes you want to grow, then you may have become too complacent for that spark to stay lit.
If you're in the relationship because you're afraid to be alone or because you don't think you can do much better. This is a sign that you feel more anxiety than love.
If you refuse to ever leave your significant other because "it would hurt him/her too much." The longer you wait to call it off, the more hurt your loved one will be, and if you know it just doesn't feel right, then you're not doing your significant other any favors by sticking around.
If you are afraid to introduce your significant other to new friends or family members because you're worried they won't get along. Do you really want to date someone you can't show off to your friends and family? It's one thing if your significant other is just shy, but if he or she can't get along with anyone else in your life, it can be a deal-breaker.
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2
Look through the windshield, not the rearview mirror. In order to move forward in your relationship, you have to absolutely stop obsessing over your loved one's past--as well as your own. If you're too hung up on whether or not he's still gaga over his ex from high school, or if your old ex is dating someone new, then you'll never be able to strengthen your bond.
Avoid asking too many questions about your loved one's past relationships, and definitely avoid snooping through his things or looking online for hints about his past. Not only will this make you worried for no reason, but if he finds out, it won't speak well of your confidence for the new relationship.
As for your own exes, you don't have to cut off contact with them unless it's necessary, but do try to minimize contact, especially when you're starting a new relationship.
3
Share your passions. It's important to have common interests other than your love for each other. At first, passion may be enough to keep your love going, but once your relationship matures, it's important to share common interests or activities so that your relationship stays fresh.
You should work on sharing hobbies, whether you bake desserts every Sunday, or find a TV show that no one likes but you two.
Have a couple culture project. You can decide to watch at least one movie together a week, or have your own mini-book club. That way, you can motivate yourself to learn new things and have something to talk about.
Make time for fun for fun's sake. Not everything you do as a couple has to make you more interesting or talented. There's nothing wrong with sharing a pitcher of beer and hitting up a local pool table once in a while.
4
Share your passions--but not all of them. Though it's important to have shared interests with your loved one, it is just as important to have your own interests.
Do you love yoga while he likes swimming at the local pool? Do you like getting together with your girlfriends to dance to 80s music, while he likes meeting his bro-friends at the local bar to watch football? Great! It's important to maintain your own identity while building an identity as a couple.
And it's just as important to spend the night with your sweetie hanging out with friends as it is to have some alone time regularly. Both of you absolutely need it in order to maintain your own interests, as well as to realize how grateful you are when that loved one is around.
5
Learn to compromise. It's important to stand up for what you believe in--but only to a point. If you're sick of sushi but your girlfriend has been dying to try the new Japanese place on date night, give in but ask if you can pick the movie.
But always remember that it's important that both people are willing to make a sacrifice. If you find yourself always giving in to your loved one's needs, big or small, it's time to have a talk.
6
Follow your own pace. The biggest mistake you can make is putting your foot on the gas to catch up with all the speeding cars--you'll end up crashing and burning.
Just because your impulsive best friend has shacked up with her boyfriend of three weeks doesn't mean that you and your boyfriend have to go apartment hunting ASAP.
Even if all of your friends and their pet fish are getting married, it does not mean that you are ready to take the plunge.
7
Communication is key. If something is bothering you, it's important to let your loved one know so you can tackle the problem together.
Pick the right place and time to have a talk. Even if there's something really important that you want to say to your sweetie that feels like it can't wait, you won't be able to have the conversation you want to have if you try to talk at a loud concert, or the minute after your significant other got some bad news at work. Make sure you are both sitting down and looking at each other to have the conversation to avoid distractions.
Use the right tone to get heard. If you begin the conversation in an aggressive manner, your significant other is likely to get defensive. Be as calm and rational as possible, even if you're feeling angry. This will let your significant other actually hear what you have to say.
Don't be too confrontational. Try saying, "There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about," instead of, "We have to have a talk--now!" This will still show that what you have to say is important, but will cut down on the drama.
Don't let the small things build up. If you want to avoid having big serious talks all the time, remember that if something small ticks you off, you can tell your significant other without making a big deal about it. That way, you can avoid being passive aggressive or having the tension build up, and can move forward while understanding each other's needs.
However, it's also important to know when to lay off--if you're bothered because your boyfriend accidentally put your milk away in the cabinet, there's no need to nag him, especially if he's had a rough day.
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8
Even if your love is rock solid, your loved one should not be taken for granted. Remind yourself how lucky you are to have found your soul mate, but that it'll take hard work to make the relationship thrive.
No matter how busy your days are, try to find the time to have a conversation when you're both away from your computers, phones, and televisions. It's important to make time for each other even if everything is going well.
Do something completely new together as often as you can, whether its taking a dance class or making your own gnocchi, to avoid getting into a rut.
Compliment your significant other at least once a day. For bonus points, find something new to say every time!
1
- Figure out if your relationship is worth saving. The sad truth is that many relationships have passed their expiration date--if you try to save them, you'll just end up getting hurt. There is no easy trick to answering this question; you'll know in your heart if you're with "the one" or just "the one I've been dating for five years so I might as well stick with it." Here are some red flags to let you know that your relationship may be approaching a dead end:
- If one or both of you have a history of being unfaithful to each other, then the damage you have done may be beyond repair.
- If you find yourself constantly attracted to other people, or even fantasizing about dating another person, then you may have lost that feeling for your current love interest.
- If you suspect your loved one just doesn't make you want to be a better person. If nothing about the relationship makes you want to grow, then you may have become too complacent for that spark to stay lit.
- If you're in the relationship because you're afraid to be alone or because you don't think you can do much better. This is a sign that you feel more anxiety than love.
- If you refuse to ever leave your significant other because "it would hurt him/her too much." The longer you wait to call it off, the more hurt your loved one will be, and if you know it just doesn't feel right, then you're not doing your significant other any favors by sticking around.
- If you are afraid to introduce your significant other to new friends or family members because you're worried they won't get along. Do you really want to date someone you can't show off to your friends and family? It's one thing if your significant other is just shy, but if he or she can't get along with anyone else in your life, it can be a deal-breaker.
Ad
-
2
- Look through the windshield, not the rearview mirror. In order to move forward in your relationship, you have to absolutely stop obsessing over your loved one's past--as well as your own. If you're too hung up on whether or not he's still gaga over his ex from high school, or if your old ex is dating someone new, then you'll never be able to strengthen your bond.
- Avoid asking too many questions about your loved one's past relationships, and definitely avoid snooping through his things or looking online for hints about his past. Not only will this make you worried for no reason, but if he finds out, it won't speak well of your confidence for the new relationship.
- As for your own exes, you don't have to cut off contact with them unless it's necessary, but do try to minimize contact, especially when you're starting a new relationship.
3
- Share your passions. It's important to have common interests other than your love for each other. At first, passion may be enough to keep your love going, but once your relationship matures, it's important to share common interests or activities so that your relationship stays fresh.
- You should work on sharing hobbies, whether you bake desserts every Sunday, or find a TV show that no one likes but you two.
- Have a couple culture project. You can decide to watch at least one movie together a week, or have your own mini-book club. That way, you can motivate yourself to learn new things and have something to talk about.
- Make time for fun for fun's sake. Not everything you do as a couple has to make you more interesting or talented. There's nothing wrong with sharing a pitcher of beer and hitting up a local pool table once in a while.
4
- Share your passions--but not all of them. Though it's important to have shared interests with your loved one, it is just as important to have your own interests.
- Do you love yoga while he likes swimming at the local pool? Do you like getting together with your girlfriends to dance to 80s music, while he likes meeting his bro-friends at the local bar to watch football? Great! It's important to maintain your own identity while building an identity as a couple.
- And it's just as important to spend the night with your sweetie hanging out with friends as it is to have some alone time regularly. Both of you absolutely need it in order to maintain your own interests, as well as to realize how grateful you are when that loved one is around.
5
- Learn to compromise. It's important to stand up for what you believe in--but only to a point. If you're sick of sushi but your girlfriend has been dying to try the new Japanese place on date night, give in but ask if you can pick the movie.
- But always remember that it's important that both people are willing to make a sacrifice. If you find yourself always giving in to your loved one's needs, big or small, it's time to have a talk.
6
- Follow your own pace. The biggest mistake you can make is putting your foot on the gas to catch up with all the speeding cars--you'll end up crashing and burning.
- Just because your impulsive best friend has shacked up with her boyfriend of three weeks doesn't mean that you and your boyfriend have to go apartment hunting ASAP.
- Even if all of your friends and their pet fish are getting married, it does not mean that you are ready to take the plunge.
7
- Communication is key. If something is bothering you, it's important to let your loved one know so you can tackle the problem together.
- Pick the right place and time to have a talk. Even if there's something really important that you want to say to your sweetie that feels like it can't wait, you won't be able to have the conversation you want to have if you try to talk at a loud concert, or the minute after your significant other got some bad news at work. Make sure you are both sitting down and looking at each other to have the conversation to avoid distractions.
- Use the right tone to get heard. If you begin the conversation in an aggressive manner, your significant other is likely to get defensive. Be as calm and rational as possible, even if you're feeling angry. This will let your significant other actually hear what you have to say.
- Don't be too confrontational. Try saying, "There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about," instead of, "We have to have a talk--now!" This will still show that what you have to say is important, but will cut down on the drama.
- Don't let the small things build up. If you want to avoid having big serious talks all the time, remember that if something small ticks you off, you can tell your significant other without making a big deal about it. That way, you can avoid being passive aggressive or having the tension build up, and can move forward while understanding each other's needs.
- However, it's also important to know when to lay off--if you're bothered because your boyfriend accidentally put your milk away in the cabinet, there's no need to nag him, especially if he's had a rough day.
8
- Even if your love is rock solid, your loved one should not be taken for granted. Remind yourself how lucky you are to have found your soul mate, but that it'll take hard work to make the relationship thrive.
- No matter how busy your days are, try to find the time to have a conversation when you're both away from your computers, phones, and televisions. It's important to make time for each other even if everything is going well.
- Do something completely new together as often as you can, whether its taking a dance class or making your own gnocchi, to avoid getting into a rut.
- Compliment your significant other at least once a day. For bonus points, find something new to say every time!
